


the sun will rise and we will try again.

by drakelock



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Canon, Ellie is like a sister, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Pre-Canon, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Tommy is like a brother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-04-30 21:38:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14505978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drakelock/pseuds/drakelock
Summary: now the night is coming to an end,the sun will rise and we will try again.stay alive, stay alive for me.you will die, but now your life is free.- XXI pilots.





	1. serendipity

**Author's Note:**

> THEN: 12 YEARS AGO - It Hears You by Marco Beltrami  
> A MONTH LATER - Left Behind (Together) by Gustavo Santaolalla 
> 
> Serendipity, meaning the chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way. 
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** THEN: 12 YEARS AGO. **

The city of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania looked unrecognisable. Eight years ago, these streets would have been bursting with life, day and night. Now, it lay forgotten under a blanket of dust, rubble and vegetation. The setting sun illuminated the sea of abandoned rusting cars, which were turning orange and red just like the leaves had done. Summer had felt eternal, the north-eastern heat unbearable without air con, another simple luxury the world had taken for granted. The Capitol building still looked noble, even though parts of the structure were collapsing in on itself, rubble replacing stairs. Unscrewing the cap of the flask, you took a swig and heaved your bag back over your shoulder. As you began to approach the complex your eyes scanned for any signs of life, or infected. So far, you hadn’t run into anyone or _anything,_ and you’d like to keep that way for as long as possible.

Drowsiness battled anxiety as you forced yourself to climb to the top floor and find a secluded room which was easy enough to barricade. In the past, you would have enjoyed the simplicity of the sole sound of your own footsteps but now it only meant you were alone, and an easier target. A small office lay at the end of the corridor, with a door which led to the outdoor fire escape stairwell. Perfect. It had clearly been ransacked, nothing of use was there and the furniture was wrecked, but that made it easier to prop against and secure the door. Using your satchel as a pillow, you took off your plaid over shirt and lay down on the ground. Staring at the concrete wall opposite, you waited for sleep to take you away from this derelict place.

A low gurgling noise caused your eyes to snap open. It was now the dead of night, moonlight shining through the broken window, it’s light reflecting off the shards and making the room just about visible. Your hand instinctively went inside the holster strapped to your thigh, your fingers wrapping themselves around a dagger. The growling noise grew louder and louder, joined by the shuffle of feet and a faint tick like sound. _Must be a Stalker_ , you thought to yourself as you slowly crept across to the door and looked through the peephole. Your guess was confirmed as you saw one approaching, but there was something that worried you more. A figure behind it. Because of the lack of light, you couldn’t make out features, but the it looked human. Creeping quietly behind the Infected, shiv in hand, the shadow swiftly and quietly tackled its prey to the ground, slamming the blade into its head. Gesturing behind him, another silhouette emerged from the shadows, of similar build. Before they could speak to one another, a groan filled the silence. Followed by another, and the another. Eyes widening in fear, you saw the man who had taken out the Stalker grab his companion’s arm. A pack of Runners were approaching down the hallway, still unaware of the men at the end of it. They were cornered, and it was only a matter of time until they were seen and consequently torn to shreds. Pressing your head against the door, you felt sick with conflict _. Leave more most likely innocent people to die, or open the door and let in possible enemies?_ Looking again through the spyhole in the door, you saw them preparing to fight even though they were outnumbered by six Infected. Sighing and shaking your head to yourself, you noiselessly removed the fragments of furniture you had used to barricade the door and opened it.

Spinning around, they aimed at you. Putting a finger to your lips, with the other hand you beckoned them to follow you. You prayed they wouldn’t stab you in the back as your turned to re-enter the room, quickly shrugging on your over shirt and then your bag. The pair followed you, but as the younger one shut the door behind them, a table leg from the top of the pile of blockade material clattered to the ground. Without thinking, you darted towards the fire escape, flinging the door open. The Runners screeched, now alert and aware of your presence, banging at the door, and within seconds it flew of its hinges. Running down the spiral staircase, you cursed under your breath. _Acts of kindness get you killed,_ you reprimanded yourself internally. Jumping to the bottom, you sprinted across the grounds of the Capitol building, eyes frantically searching for a safe place to hide but the dark of the night made it practically impossible to make anything out. As panic began to cloud your judgement, someone grabbed your arm and pulled you into a nearby guard shack, the door closing behind you. A hand clamped over your mouth and you were pushed against the wall. Initially you struggled against it, before a rough voice whispered in your ear “I ain’t going to hurt you, kid.” Realising it was one of the guys you had tried to help, you resigned to his hold, hoping he meant what he said. The other grabbed a bottle from a table and crept back outside, flinging it into the distance to lead the pack away. Returning, he nodded at his buddy to let you go. As he let go and stepped back, you finally got a good look at the two of them. The one that had thrown the bottle and caused the Runners to leave looked younger, closer to your age. His dirty blonde hair was pulled back off his face, skin tanned from the scorching sun. Despite the blood on his shirt, and multitude of weapons on him, there was an aura of kindness about him. There was still a glimmer of hope in his blue eyes, unlike the man who had held you down.

Turning to face you, his hazel eyes narrowed, staring at you coldly. He was impossible to read, unlike the other, completely devoid of emotion. He was taller and more muscular than his companion, a grey t-shirt clinging to his chest under a deep red tartan shirt. A beard hid most of his face, accompanied by tousled dark brown hair. The other broke your gaze as he spoke and offered you his hand. “Sorry about that. Name’s Tommy.” Before you could respond, the man staring at you reloaded his gun. “We aren’t here to make friends.” He grunted, putting it back in the holster. Tommy rolled his eyes, lowering his hand. “Excuse my brother, he isn’t exactly good with people.” Nodding, you gave him a small smile. You’d learnt it was better to say little than a lot with people you didn’t know. His brother, still yet to introduce himself, opened the door to the outside and peered out. “Coast is clear.” He glanced at you. “Got a name?”

Tommy looked at you expectantly. Offering your hand to the younger brother, you continued to look at the elder. “Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.” Taking your hand, Tommy shook it firmly. Joel opened the door wider and met your eyes. “Well, Miss Y/L/N it’s been a pleasure to meet you, but Tommy and I must be going now.” His words dripped with sarcasm as he began to step out of the door. Anger riled up inside you, and grabbing his bicep you dragged him back in. “Hold up, you think you can ruin my night’s sleep and then just fuck off, leaving me surrounded by Infected?” Joel raised an eyebrow, shrugging you off him. “I’m coming with you, ‘till we get to a safe area. Then and _only_ then are we going our separate ways. You hear me?” Tommy grinned at you from behind his brother, impressed that a stranger was standing up to him. Joel exhaled deeply, clearly annoyed. “Fine. There’s a place about a half hour from here, should be clean.” And with that, he walked out the door. Tommy looked at you sympathetically, before following his brother. Adjusting your backpack, and tightening your hair, you stepped out into the open.

** A MONTH LATER.  **

Half an hour turned into an hour. An hour turned into a day. Days turned into weeks, and before the three of you knew it, a month of travelling together had passed.

Tommy had become a friend, always cracking jokes to make you laugh and apologising for his brother’s piss-poor behaviour. From him, you’d learnt the two of them were from Texas, even though that was evident from their accents. The two of them had been carpenters, or something of the sort, before. Joel was, well… Joel. He hardly spoke, always alert.

“Your accent…” Tommy began one day, buttoning up his jacket. “You’re British?” Nodding your head, you stuffed your hands in your jeans’ pockets. Winter was drawing nearer and nearer by the day. “Yeah. I was on holiday here when the outbreak happened. Guess I missed my flight.” Tommy laughed, his breath creating a cloud of water vapour before him. “My family were back home.” You said, feeling a sudden twinge of sadness. Joel looked at you out the corner of his eye as the three of you made your way across the woodland. The younger brother slung an arm round you and gave you a small squeeze. “If they are half as good as you in terms of survivin’, I’m sure they are alright.” Letting out a small, hollow laugh you looked down at your feet. “They were in London. Nobody made it out alive there.”

Silence ensued as you continued to walk. That’s all you had done: walk. It was Joel’s idea, make your way down the I-83, travel from Harrisburg to Baltimore, then head to Washington once winter had passed. During the colder months, it was easier to hide from the weather in a city or perhaps even a quarantine zone if you could sneak in. The trees around you shuddered in the wind, naked and exposed. Ice was starting to entrap the bark and remaining buds, suffocating Autumn entirely. Joel hummed to himself, and you joined him, recognising Denver’s _Take Me Home, Country Roads_. For a moment, you swore you saw him smile, but it was gone in a fleeting moment. Sometimes, you thought he liked you. He’d smirk as you bantered with Tommy, even chuckle at some of your remarks. Other times, you thought he hated you. He seemed to seethe with anger if you tried to make conversation, ignoring you completely. Joel was an enigma of emotions, one you were determined to solve.

Dusk slowly turned to darkness, and the three of you set up camp inside an abandoned barn, fortifying the doors before making a small fire in the centre of the space. It crackled, orange and red flames dancing together. Rubbing your hands together, you enjoyed the warm sensation spread from your fingertips to the rest of your body. Empty cans of tinned food lay at the side, and Tommy was already fast asleep on the floor. Joel watched you as you covered him with one of the blankets you had found. Giving him a small smile, you dropped the other in Joel's lap. “Here, I’ll take first watch.” Staring at your outstretched hand, he frowned. “Don’t be stupid. You did last night, get some rest.”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, you began to settle down. “What?” He asked, confused by your reaction. Untying your hair, you ran your hands through it. _God, what you would give for some running water and shampoo._ “I don’t get why you don’t like me. I’m just trying to be nice.” Lying down on the floor, you wrapped your arms around yourself for warmth. Joel’s brow furrowed. “I was just trying to be nice too.” You snorted and rolled over, feeling more and more irritated by the second. Watching the shadows flicker on the wall, you felt tiredness take over you, and as you closed your eyes, you felt a blanket being tentatively draped over you.

“And I do like you.”

 


	2. toska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is this life, if full of care,   
> we have no time to stand and stare?   
> \- w. h. davies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRACKS: Vanishing Grace (Childhood) by Gustavo Santaolalla  
>  Babyproofing/Bonfire by Marco Beltrami
> 
> Toska, meaning a dull ache of the soul. 
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** THEN: 11 YEARS AGO.  **

The early morning sunlight sprinkled the meadow with golden warmth, the grass and flowers swaying together in the light breeze. Birds trilled to each other, the ancient alarm clocks of the world, and flew among the tree tops. Inhaling the sweet spring air, you smiled to yourself.

Tommy, yourself and Joel had been based on the outskirts of Washington DC for about a month now. Whilst trying and failing to sneak into the quarantine zone, you had stumbled across an uninhabited farm house in practically the middle of nowhere. Initially the plan had been to only stay for a few nights, but all three of you were secretly enjoying rest from the tiresome nomadic lifestyle. Over the past year, your friendship with Tommy had only grown stronger. He confided in you; scared of the world around him, constantly looking for purpose. Whispers of a freedom fighter group had reached your ears during your travels, and the younger brother seemed to be taken by the idea of rebelling against the military’s strict order, whilst the elder seemed adamant the three of you should steer clear.

Your relationship with Joel was indescribable. Though the two of you said little to each other, you felt closer to him than Tommy. The two of you somehow spoke volumes to each other without a word. Compared to when you had first met, he had softened. Joel was still a brutal survivor, doing whatever it takes to ensure the trio’s safety, but he smiled more. Laughed more.

A hand on your shoulder brought you back to reality. “We’re good to go.” He said, gesturing to the filled duffle bag on his arm. Nodding, you turned around to return to Tommy, who was most likely still asleep. It was sort of the unspoken decision that you and Joel went out hunting alone together every few days when supplies were running low. He would wake you up just before dawn, so you could watch the sunrise as you walked to the wood. In passing you’d mentioned how much you loved it, and since he had ensured the two of you set off early enough to see it. He could be sweet like that, sometimes.

Spring had washed your second winter with the brothers away with ease, the white blanket covering the forest floor had melted away and the smell of pollen filled the air. Previously dishevelled and discoloured grass was now lush and wet with morning dew, and wild animals were starting to emerge from hibernation. The two of you walked in comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company and the peacefulness of the woodland. Joel offered you his hand as you clambered over a log, and you nodded appreciatively as the farmhouse appeared into view. Tommy was stood on the porch, and you grinned, surprised he was up even though it was midmorning now. However, the expression on your face quickly dissolved into one of panic as you noticed a stranger slouched at the bottom of the stairs, a shotgun in his hand. “Shit.” Joel cursed under his breath, crouching down behind a bush. Kneeling beside him, you pulled the revolver out of your holster and loaded it. “He doesn’t look hostile, could just be a passer-by?” You suggested hopefully, but Joel shook his head once sharply. “It’s _never_ just a passer-by.”

Tommy looked over in your direction, seeing movement in the trees, and you took that as your signal to advance. Aiming the gun at the intruder, you walked forwards slowly. “There a problem here?” Turning his head, the man looked at you. He appeared to be in his early twenties, acne and peach fuzz covering his chin and cheeks. Sweat caused his clothing to stick to his lanky body, and a deep cut scarred his left cheekbone. Flashing you a cocky grin, he raised a hand in the air. “No ma’am. Just talking to ya buddy over here about the future.” Joel joined you, also armed, but the smile on the man’s face only widened. “The hell are you talkin’ about?” Joel growled, finger already on the trigger. Tommy took a step down, and your eyes flicked over to him. “He knows about the Fireflies.” Both you and his brother tilted your heads to the side in confusion. “The freedom fighters! Y’know the ones we heard about back in Baltimore?” Tommy stammered. Looking over your shoulder at Joel, his eyes were expressionless, fixated on the outsider. “I couldn’t give two shits about that suicide mission.” His grip tightened on the rifle, and his fingers started to squeeze the metal curve, but before he could fire Tommy raced to the bottom of the stairs. “Don’t!” He cried out, and Joel’s face contorted with annoyance. “Why do you always fucking shoot first, ask questions later?” Tommy yelled accusingly, the man beside him watching this play out with an amused look on his face.

Joel’s head slowly turned to look at his brother, his teeth gritted and knuckles white from clenching with anger. Before he could respond, you cut in, stepping into Joel’s eyeline. “This is not the time to have a domestic, boys.” The fire in his eyes diminished a little, and he nodded again. Turning back to look at the man, you put your gun back into its holster on your leg before folding your arms. “What’s this Firefly business?”

“They were driven out of the zone last night, military finally got ‘em. Surprised you didn’t hear it from here, soldiers went into their hideout guns blazing ‘nd shit.” He drawled lazily. “You’ll seem ‘em soon if you haven’t already.” The man paused for a moment, almost distracted by the farm house, before looking back at you curiously. “You say it’s just the three of you ‘ere?” Sensing Joel tense behind you, possible answers flickered through your mind, but before you could answer Tommy approached the stranger. “That’s no concern of yours. You best be on your way now.” The man pouted as if thinking about Tommy’s instruction, before nodding his head and clicking his tongue. As he retreated into the woodland, the younger brother let out an exaggerated sigh. “You really need to learn how to relax, Joel. He wasn’t anything to wor-” Before Tommy could finish his sentence, Joel’s fist collided with his face with such force that he stumbled backwards.

“Joel!” You exclaimed, trying to hold him back as he went to strike his brother again. “You idiot!” He roared, struggling against you slightly but considering he was a lot stronger than you it was obvious he was letting you restrain him. “You let a stranger walk off, when he knows we’re alone? Knows where we are?” Tommy glared at him, massaging his jaw with one hand. “Joel! Joel, look at me.” Breathing heavily, the older brother tore his gaze away from his sibling and met yours. Even though you heard Tommy storm back into the house, you stayed with Joel holding his shoulders with your hands, until his heart rate slowed down and breathing returned to normal. “The whole world is against us. We can’t fight each other because of little mistakes, ok?”

Walking into the house, Tommy was sat on the dusty kitchen counter, holding a wet rag to his face. You sighed, and he bowed his head apologetically. “If this carries on, I’m holding an intervention for the two of you.” Tommy snorted at your comment, and a fond smile crept across your face. “He’s the one who throws punches, not me.” He replied bitterly as you pulled yourself up next to him. “Yes, but you deliberately piss him off to get a reaction.” The younger brother shrugged, and the two of you looked at the room before you. The kitchen table was scratched and stained with blood, from past inhabitants and yourselves. Glass shards were sprinkled over the floor by the smashed windows, and tarnished curtains blew in the wind, causing the sunlight to flicker across the space. A cracked tv stood on another table, absent of power and stories that were once broadcasted across the world. “Is it bad I’m starting to think of this shithole as home?” Tommy whispered, and you exhaled sadly. “You know the way this works. It’s not safe to stay here anymore, now he knows.”

He jumped down for the counter and chucked the rag back into the water bucket. “Yeah, well at least there’s a little less blood on our hands.” Before you could respond, Tommy disappeared out of the room and up the stairs. The guilt of survival sat not on your chest but in your mind; what you had done, what _they_ had done, it could not be undone. Over the past twelve months, your exterior had hardened - travelling with Joel and Tommy had given you more confidence in combat and confrontation, the brothers had taught you more about survival than you ever thought would be possible - but on the inside, you were still the same person you were before. Scared, vulnerable and orphaned.

The sound of footsteps brought you back to reality, and you raised your head. Joel stood in the doorway, looking at you. “We’re leaving.” He said bitterly, and you hummed in acknowledgement, brushing the dust of your trousers. “Nothing lasts forever, Joel.” The Texan put his bag and gun on the table, before walking over to join you.  “Fucking idiot… ruined what we had… he doesn’t understand…” He leant against the counter, mumbling to himself angrily before you put your hand on his, which caused him to stop abruptly; looking down at your touch with wide eyes that, if you didn’t know any better, looked scared. “It happened. We move on.” You urged softly, but Joel didn’t respond, seemingly transfixed by your hand on his. Getting down off the counter, you moved your hand away. “I’ll go get ready.” Your cheeks reddened as you turned away, panic that you had been too intimate, _too emotional_ , with him began to sink in.

What you didn’t notice was as your fingers brushed his skin as they retreated from the back of his hand, Joel’s reached out to hold yours but was met with the emptiness of air.


	3. liberosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there is freedom waiting for you,   
> on the breezes of the sky,   
> and you ask "what if i fall?"  
> oh but my darling,  
> what if you fly?  
> \- e. hanson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRACKS: The Last Of Us (You and Me) by Gustavo Santaolalla   
> River Runs Through It by Murray Gold   
> Addicted To A Certain Lifestyle by David Arnold and Michael Price   
> Way Down We Go by Kaleo
> 
> Liberosis, meaning the desire to care less about things. 
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** THEN: 10 YEARS AGO.  **

The water was blissfully cold. It stung, too, as you immersed your cut and bruised skin into the blue. Shipwrecked boats swayed in the harbour as the first rays of sunlight spilled across the land. Washing your face, you felt someone sit down beside you.

“Not a bad view.” Joel said, whistling in amazement. You hummed in agreement, raising your head to smile at him. Joel’s hair was ruffled from his night’s sleep, some dark brown strands turning lighter due to the summer weather. His dark grey t-shirt clung to his chest, sweat marks on his back already starting to form in the heat. A small smile graced his face as he dipped his hands into the water, enjoying the cool sensation. “I’ve seen pictures, never thought I’d see it myself.” He commented, nodding at the Benjamin Franklin Bridge on your left. Following his gaze, you admired the architecture that was still standing strong, despite everything. “We’re a long way from Texas.” Joel added softly, looking down at his lap. These moments of vulnerability were rare. Unlike his brother, Joel guarded his emotions and past with all his might.

Shuffling closer to him, you rested your head on his shoulder. Your silence was comforting and spoke for itself; he knew you _understood_ him. Joel leant his head against yours and exhaled.

“We cross that bridge, we hit Philadelphia and lay low. Rest, relax… I hear they do good cheesesteaks.” Joel snorted at your joke, and you grinned. Before he could reply, the sound of somebody clearing their throat from behind caused the two of you to jump apart. Tommy was staring at his feet, bag already packed and slung over his shoulder. Over the past year, he had changed significantly, both physically and mentally. A light stubble covered his jaw and cheekbones, whereas Joel’s beard had grown significantly, and his blonde hair had been cut shorter with a pair of scissors he’d found in DC. His white shirt was tucked into his trousers, hiding muscles that had become stronger and visible from battling Infected and travelling across the country. Tommy and Joel’s relationship was a fractured shell of what it used to be. They hardly spoke, and when they did it always erupted into an argument. So, he talked less, walked more. “If we’re going to get to the city by midday, we better move.”

The bridge felt never-ending. The heat was inescapable, the three of you trudged along the pavement fanning yourselves or raising your hands to try and block some of the light. Chips of blue paint from the rusting rails littered the floor, alongside bodies and abandoned cars. It had been ten years, you found yourself no longer stopping to mourn the sight of strangers. As you passed the **WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA** sign, Joel glanced over his shoulder to look at you. Raising an eyebrow, he smirked at you, before returning to face the approaching city. Torn banners hung between buildings advertising local events, and the clock face of City Hall was stuck at half past eleven. Weeds splintered the once smooth concrete floor and rubble blocked the subway entrances. The city was a ghost of 2013.

Stopping abruptly, Tommy pressed a finger to his lip. The faint sound of crunching gravel grew louder and louder, followed by a low gurgling, clicking sound. “Oh, shit.” Joel murmured, as the Clicker came into view. It staggered towards the three of you, twitching uncontrollably. Its jaw was dislocated by the sprouting orange fungus that pierced what remained of its skin, blood stained its teeth and the stench of decaying flesh made you feel sick. Crouching down slowly, you picked up a nearby brick from the debris of a collapsed building. Breathing through your nose as quietly as possibly, you inhaled and threw it as far as you could down the street. As it clattered to the ground, the Clicker screeched and stormed after it. Joel turned to look at you in relief, but the look of dread on his face returned when he saw a hoard of Clickers storming towards you. Grabbing your hand, he pulled you after Tommy who was already bolting down a nearby alley. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_!” You cursed under your breath as you glanced over your shoulder to see the Infected spreading out across the street and some clambering down the backstreet the three of you escaped into.

“It’s a dead fuckin’ end!” Tommy groaned, slamming his fist against the brick wall. Pulling your gun out of its holster you aimed at the Clicker’s head, the brothers stood behind you. “So, if someone could come up with an escape plan any minute now, I’d really appreciate it!” You urged, finger sliding towards the trigger. Sudden gunshots cracked like a thunder clap from above you, and the Infected before you smacked into the ground. A hooded woman who looked to be in her late twenties was stood on top of the wall, slinging a shotgun over her shoulder, joined by several others. “Give me your hand, now!” She barked, leaning over and offering hers to Tommy. As they pulled him up, the sound of the rest of the Infected drawing nearer grew louder and louder. Tommy and the strangers helped haul Joel up and as you took his hand, you felt something grab onto your shoulder. Yelping in surprise, Joel’s eyes widened with fear and he heaved you up as quickly as he could. A bullet narrowly missed your ear as it slammed into the forehead of the Clicker grasping onto you. The young brother helped you to your feet as you reached the top, but you didn’t have time to thank them as the hooded lady and her followers began to sprint into a nearby building, beckoning you to join them.

As the metal doors closed and locked behind you, one of the men on the wall shoved you to the ground and pushed the barrel of his gun into your forehead. “What the fuck?” Tommy exclaimed but both he and his brother were restrained by more members of the group that had been waiting inside. “Let her go!” Joel roared, struggling against the arms holding him back. Raising your hands to your head, you tried to control your breathing. “I’m not _bit_.” You panted, making eye contact with the man holding you at gun point. Rolling you over, he tugged your shirt off your shoulder and saw nothing. “She’s clean.” The man grunted, lowering his gun. Joel pushed the others out of the way and knelt beside you. “You ok?” Dismissing his worries with a wave of your hand, the two of you stood to look at the woman in the centre of the room who had killed the first Clicker as she lowered her hood.

“I’m Marlene.” she began, wiping the blood off her brow with her arm before gesturing to the room around her. “Welcome to the Fireflies.”

You were in what must have been an old office building from before. Rotting wooden tables had been pushed to the side of the room, and smashed computer equipment was used as storage for weapons and food. The windows were blocked by barricades of stationary, so the room was illuminated by gas lamps. Tommy was sat with Marlene, listening to her intently as you watched him from the other side of the room, eating cold soup from the can. Your hosts were giving you a warm welcome, offering you food and provisions, which made you instinctively suspicious. _What would they want in return?_ Joel was stood at a desk, binding a blade with a pipe he had been carrying with him. Kicking your chair back, you walked over to him. “Doesn’t this feel a little off to you?” You asked, pretending to be fixing your bag next to him. Joel hummed in agreement, strapping one last piece of tape around it. “They must be trying to recruit us. I mean… _this_ is the Fireflies?” You looked around at the thirty or so people in the room. The stories made it seem like the Fireflies were an army of empowered rebels, not a troop of desperate people. “The sooner we leave the better.” Joel said as he put the pipe inside of his backpack, before putting it back on his shoulders.

The sight of Tommy smiling startled you, simply because it had been so long since he’d done it. He was sat beside Marlene and surrounded by five or so other Fireflies, who had packed bags by their feet. As you and Joel approached, chatter between them died down. “Thank you for your hospitality, but we should probably get going. Find a safe place to hole up for the night.” You said, as her eyes flicked from you, to Joel, to Tommy. “We’re heading across city, towards Boston. You’re welcome to join us, if you want.” Marlene said coolly, watching the younger brother. “Thanks, but no thanks.” Joel replied bluntly, causing the leader to raise an eyebrow. Tommy stood, rolling his shoulders back confidently. “Why not? We’re trying to get there too, aren’t we?” The brothers glared at each other, and you could feel your heart thumping in your chest nervously. “Grab your bag and let’s go.” Joel stated, causing Tommy to scoff and shake his head. “I’m staying, Joel. I’ve finally got the chance to do some good in this shithole of a world.” Taking a step forward, Joel’s fists were clenched. Marlene looked around to see the entire room watching the two of them and cleared her throat. “Back to work, we leave in five. Let’s give them so privacy.” Marlene caught your eye, and you gave her a small appreciative nod as she walked over to help clear the back entrance.

“What are you doin’?” Joel questioned, folding his arms. “We stick together, that is how we survive. Not teaming up with some lunatics who think the world around us is miraculously going to change overnight.” Tommy rolled his eyes and snickered at him. “You just can’t stand the fact I’ve got a mind of my own, can you? You may be my brother, but you sure as hell ain’t my boss. You’re a murderer, Joel. You don’t think twice about killing anymore if it means we’ll live a little longer, even if they’re innocent. Do y’know how messed up that is?” His voice grew louder and louder, to the point where he was yelling in Joel’s face. “I get it, you lost Sarah. Well, _boo-fuckin’-hoo_ , Joel! Everybody’s lost somebody, but not everybody loses their humanity with them!” Silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground. Your mouth was ajar in shock, and Joel – for a moment – looked as if he was about to cry. That was before, his fist slammed into his brother’s face.

The two men grunted as they started to wrestle to the ground, punching and kicking at each other. “Stop it!” You cried, attempting to pull Joel off Tommy. A swarm of Fireflies gathered round you, helping try and break them apart. “Please, Joel!” you pleaded, tugging at his shirt. Eventually, Marlene and others managed to drag Tommy out from the scuffle, and Joel was restrained by you and two Fireflies. Helping him to his feet, Marlene passed Tommy his bag. “C’mon, lets get out of here.” Blood was dripping out of Tommy’s nose and he wiped it with his hand before offering it to you. “And you? Are you coming or are you staying?” Staring at his outstretched palm, you blinked repeatedly almost confused by his offer. Joel was clutching his torso on the floor next to you, your hand still on his shoulder. “Tommy…” You whispered softly, watching his eyes fall onto the man beside you. His arm dropped back to his side. “I get it. I saw you two this morning, hell, I saw you all the time. Guess I’ve been third wheelin’ for a while.” Tommy said, looking back at you. “It’s nothing, Tommy, please.” You stammered, standing up as you felt tears threaten to spill onto your cheeks. He looked at you, almost pitifully. “He’s just going to hurt you, Y/N. Look after yourself.”

As he walked to the door, which Marlene was holding open for him, Joel raised his head to look at his brother for the last time for many years. “You walk out that door… Don’t you _ever_ come back.” Joel said hoarsely.

Tommy bowed his head, turned and your best friend disappeared from view.

The two of you walked in silence through the streets of Philadelphia, as the warm bronze sunset was swallowed by the horizon, leaving the city to be engulfed in darkness. You entered what remained of a motel and found a room which was safe and easy to barricade. An old mattress was on the floor, iron bed railings were common handmade weapons in cities, picture frames hung off snapped nails. Dropping your bag on the floor, you looked at Joel as he finished pushing a broken cabinet against the door. Your heart felt heavy with the absence of Tommy, but you knew it was nothing compared to what he was feeling. “Joel, I am so sorry…” You took a tentative step forward, realising your words of sympathy would do little. “If there’s anything I can d-” As you put your hand on his shoulder gently, he grabbed your wrist and swivelled round, slamming you into the wall.

Joel’s breath was hot on your cheek, and as he pinned you to the wall with one arm you couldn’t tell if he was going to let go or punch you. Your chest moved up and down as you breathed heavily, watching his hand which clutched your wrist tightly. He, however, was looking at you – his eyes ablaze with anger yet wide with vulnerability. “Joel…” You barely whispered, but before you could continue he slammed his lips into yours, dropping his arm to hold your face with both hands. For a second, you froze in shock, but your body reacted impulsively as you opened your mouth and intertwined your hand in his hair. His hand moved down to your waist, pulling you closer so your bodies were touching, slotted together, two parts made whole. Every kiss has a raw intensity, a two-year hunger, 730-day longing.

He kissed your neck as you fumbled with his belt, beard scratching your cheekbone, the coarse sensation mixed with wetness of tongue causing a moan to escape your lips. As you pushed his jeans down to his thighs, Joel began to unbutton your shirt.  Pulling your face back to his by the back of your neck, he kissed you hastily as you yanked your own jeans off before he lifted you up to sit on the edge of the cabinet being used to block the door. Pressing your forehead against Joel’s, you put your hands on his, which were making their way up your inner thigh. He stopped immediately, concerned.

It wasn’t the first time for either of you, yet you were still nervous. Right now, Joel was a cacophony of emotions: fury, loneliness, shock, lust, heartbreak – hell, maybe even _love_. “I don’t…” You began, trying to get your breath back. “I don’t want you to regret this.” Joel looked taken aback for a moment before he chuckled to himself lightly. He reached out, tilting your chin upwards and stroking your lower lip with his thumb.

“Oh, baby girl. I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

 


	4. filipendulous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you are the cliff,   
> then i am the water beneath it,   
> and this moment is the second before   
> we jump.   
> \- k.p.k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRACKS: Smugglers by Gustavo Santaolalla  
> Safe and Sound by Dan Romer   
> The Way It Was by Gustavo Santaolalla
> 
> Filipendulous, meaning hanging by a thread. 
> 
> Original characters' appearance inspiration:   
> Jamal - Khary Payton   
> Alex - Genevieve Doang  
> Michael - Josh Dylan
> 
> Disclaimer: I love Tess as a character, but for this story to work I feel like there has to be some tension between her and you, the reader. 
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** THEN: 8 YEARS AGO **

Struggling against six-foot-deep snow, eyes stinging from the biting wind – you ran.

The blizzard left you with no sense of direction, everything was masked from view by the white that relentlessly swirled around you. You couldn’t call out to him, because then they would know where you were. Raising a gloved hand, you shielded your eyes as you tried to navigate your way through the wilderness.

After Philadelphia, you and Joel had decided to travel from Quarantine Zone to Quarantine Zone, trying to sneak in and enjoy the somewhat safety of its borders. But, the security had been too strict to go unnoticed, the zones themselves were destroyed by Fireflies or they had been overrun by Hunters. Just as you had entered Connecticut, winter smothered the state entirely, relentless and brutal. It became harder to hunt, harder to travel and harder to survive. If you weren’t torn apart by Infected or murdered by Hunters, hypothermia was lurking in the shadows. Just waiting until you were alone, waiting until you were freezing and desperate.

“There’s someone over here!” A voice called, carried by the wind. Cursing under your breath, you stumbled towards a tree that loomed into view. The branches hung low with the weight of the snow, offering some form of hiding place. Pulling yourself under, you gathered more and more snow around where you sat – hoping to just blend in with the landscape. Glistening clouds of water vapour appeared as you exhaled, and you clutched the revolver in your hands, wishing Joel was with you. The silhouette of a band of Hunters had emerged on the horizon as you approached the river, and both of you instinctively bolted in different directions, leaving each of you isolated and anxious about the other’s safety. Your teeth chattered, and body shook uncontrollably.

So, this was how it was going to end.

After everything, you were going to be taken out by Mother- _fucking_ -Nature.

You wanted to laugh.

You wanted to cry.

You wanted to sleep.

Feeling your focus start to flicker, the world around blurred as you tried to keep your eyes open. Drowsiness was overpowering you. The gun slipped out of your hand as your head lolled back, and as time went on you became buried deeper in slumber and snow.

 

The first thing you were aware of was the warmth. It caressed your face, your hands, your feet. You were covered in something which prickled your skin yet provided comfort. It was silent, wherever you were, besides from the howl of the wind and the crackle of a fire. Opening your eyes slowly, you blinked a few times to adjust to the light. A crumbling fireplace was lit before you, its stonework contrasting the wooden panels of the room around you. Moulding red curtains were drawn shut, waving a little from the wind that slithered through the cracks of the window glass. You were lying at the end of a bed that sagged underneath you, wrapped in the duvet. On a table in the corner of the room lay your weapons and backpack, and a familiar face was slumped in the tattered armchair, his eyes shut.

A smile crept across your face as you watched Joel doze. It was one of the rare times he looked truly at peace, the horrors of today temporarily forgotten by a mirage of the past. You wondered what Joel dreamed about, or if he dreamed at all. If so, were they about Sarah? Was he sitting in his home, plucking away at a guitar whilst sharing a beer with Tommy? In his dreams, do you exist at all?

You had stopped dreaming a long time ago, all that was left was fearing.

Pushing off the covers, you sat up quietly. The firelight danced across Joel’s face, his bearded chin resting on his chest. Faded laughter lines showed he was once happy, and that perhaps one day he could be happy again. But the lines on his forehead disclosed he was driven by anxiety and anger. This was a traveller, a survivor. A man not to cross. Joel must have sensed movement because he opened his eyes abruptly. “Hey there, big guy.” You whispered softly. The two of you stood up and embraced, his arms protectively wrapped around you. Nuzzling into his chest, Joel kissed the top of your head. “That was too close.” He murmured, and you hummed in agreement.  “What happened?”

The two of you sat on the edge of the bed as you drank water from cannister. The people you thought were chasing you turned out to not be Hunters at all, rather a group of survivors that had settled by the river. A man named Jamal had found you under the tree, unresponsive and practically blue from the cold. He had brought you back to their base camp, a collection of abandoned holiday cabins. Joel was already there, a woman called Tess and a man named Michael had stumbled into him during the storm. They were now in their own rooms, and you were to meet them in the morning. “They gave me some water” Joel began, gesturing to the container you were drinking out of, “and a little food. The ones I met don’t seem like trouble, but you can never tell anymore.” Nodding, you wiped your mouth with the sleeve of your shirt. “We’ll see how it plays out tomorrow. I’ve got your back, Cowboy.”

Joel snorted, rolling his eyes at the nickname. “Just cause I’m from Texas…” he muttered as he put the water back on the rickety table. You nodded sarcastically as he lay down on the bed next to you, pulling the covers over the two of you. Still shaking slightly, you rested your head on Joel’s shoulder as he pulled you closer to him. The two of you lay in each other’s arms, listening to the wail of the wind and the sound of the other’s hearts until sleep shrouded your minds entirely.

 

The morning sun peered over a swarm of clouds, causing the deep carpet of snow to dazzle slightly as you stepped outside. Wearing Joel’s grey jumper from the night before, and your slightly damp jeans and coat that had mostly dried from the heat of the fire, you tucked your gun into its holster and adjusted the straps of your bag. What lay before you looked like a painting from a postcard. The trees were no longer intimidating but inviting. Dusted with white and brushing the sky, birds and rabbits danced around them. The river was partly frozen, the water moving beneath it still.

“Quite the view, isn’t it?” A voice said, as Joel shut the door behind him. Jamal, the man who had found you, was stood in the entrance to the cabin on your right. Dreadlocks fell to just above his waist, and he had to bend his knees slightly to fit in the doorframe.  His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, there was the same hurt and emptiness that all inhabitants of the earth seemed to have now. Joel raised his hand to greet him and nodded at you reassuringly. If he trusted them, then so did you. Welcoming you inside, Jamal offered you his hand. You shook it, smiling appreciatively. “Thanks for yesterday.” Grinning, he shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Glad I found you when I did!” Yet another fire was burning, but it was larger and surrounded by chairs and a table. Three others were sat by it; a young blonde man whose hair was messily pulled off his face, a petite and friendly looking woman who had intricate tattoos littered across her hands, and a woman with her back to you.

“Morning.” Michael, you presumed, smiled as he stood to greet you. The woman next to him beamed up at you. “I’m Alex, you must be Y/N.” You nodded in response, following Joel towards them. “He was real worried about ya last night.” Feeling your cheeks flush, you dared to glance at Joel who was suddenly very interested in kicking the snow off his shoe. The sound of somebody clearing their throat disrupted the moment, and you now turned to look at the woman whose face had previously been shielded from view.

Auburn hair was pulled back into a ponytail, her piercing hazel eyes stared at you coldly and for the first time in an age you felt self-conscious – despite everyone else being greasy haired and dirty also. Muscular arms were visible under her red henley shirt, and a blue bandana was wrapped around her wrist. “This is Tess, she’s the one who brought me back here.” Joel said to you, nodding at her. “Good to meet you.” You said cautiously, and she hummed in response. Perching on the sofa next to Jamal, you watched Joel sit down beside Tess, despite there being room where you were. It was a stupid, small thing to be angered by… but he didn’t know her. Joel was so guarded, so wary all the time. Why did he suddenly feel comfortable to flop down next to a stranger like they were old friends? You tried to focus on the conversation.

“You’re welcome to stay, as long as you help with huntin’ and basic shit. It’s damn near impossible in this weather to track anything, so the more of us the better.” Alex sighed, her New York accent thick. “Tess here has been with us for a couple of weeks.” You looked back at her. Like Joel’s was once to you, her face was unreadable. There was no emotion, just a steely expressionless determination. “I’m waiting for the weather to get a little better, then I’m out of your hair.” She stated, leaning back onto the leather headrest. Michael snorted, and exchanged a look with Jamal. “Don’t worry, we won’t take your eagerness too personally.” Joel looked over to you, before looking at the woman sat next to him. “Where you headed?” Tess pushed the sleeves of her shirt up lazily. “Boston. Heard the Quarantine Zone there is accepting newcomers with no questions. I’ve, uh…” A small smile began to spread across her angular face. “I’ve got something to deliver.”

So, that was her deal. She was a _smuggler_.

Joel chuckled, and clicked his tongue. “We’ve been travelling East for a while.” Tess peered at you through fallen strands of hair. Jamal tilted his head curiously at her. “Why do you want to be in a Zone? There ain’t freedom there, if that’s what you’re looking for. Sure, there are no Infected but the military are just as soul-suckin’ as those things.” Before either of you could answer, Tess responded sharply. “That’s why don’t you play by their rules. Life’s not too bad if you’re getting well paid to make a few drop-offs.” Joel listened to her intensely, thinking to himself.

** THEN: ONE MONTH LATER **

Sliding across the covers, your outstretched hand searched for him.

To smell fire and liquor, to hear soft snores, to touch scarred skin.

Emptiness greeted you, yet again.

As you walked over to Jamal and Alex, you stared at the set of footprints leading off into the woodland. “They set off early this morning.” Michael called out from behind you, as he shut his own door and jogged over to you. Raising your eyebrows, you stuffed your hands into the coat’s pockets. “Yeah, well… He does like seeing the sunrise.” Michael gave you a sympathetic smile. “Hopefully they’ll hunt something good, like a deer or somethin’. I’m starting to get a little sick of fish.” Over the past few weeks, you’d grown fond of Michael. He reminded you of Tommy, carefree and witty. Jamal and Alex were friendly, and you’d learned a lot from both. Recently, you’d seen more of the three of them than Joel – what with him and Tess disappearing in the morning to hunt and returning hours later. You knew it was childish, but you couldn’t help but feel… _replaced_. Time seemed to be rewinding the more time they spent together. Every day, he deteriorated a little more into the man you first met. The man you didn't know. 

A few hours later, you were sat in the corner of the room, sharpening some makeshift arrows when you heard the door creak open. “I am not leaving her.” Joel said firmly, putting the bag down on the counter. “I never said you should,” Tess replied coolly, you heard her footsteps behind his. “I’m just saying, be careful. Giving a fuck about someone leads to nothing but trouble. It’ll be better for the both of you if whatever you two are stops.” Putting down the knife and wood quietly, you crept towards the open kitchen door and leaned against the wall, listening. Joel sighed. “You think I don’t know that?” He said quietly. Your heart pounded in your chest. Silence ensued.

“Look, I’m headed to Boston, you are too. Think about my offer, you’d make a damn good smuggler, and I’m looking for a partner.”  


	5. saudade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the most painful  
> goodbyes are the ones  
> that are never said, and  
> never explained.  
> \- unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRACKS: The Time Of Angels by Murray Gold  
> Ron Leaves by Alexandre Desplat (From the line "Before the second bullet had left...")
> 
> Saudade, meaning a longing for someone you love but have lost.
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** THEN: 7 YEARS AGO **

Flickering lights illuminated the darkness that lay before you. Rusting pipes slithered up walls stained with graffiti and blood, and the sound of dripping water echoed through the unknown. This place was once teeming with humanity, bustling with commuters and tourists. Now, the Boston subway was abandoned and it’s ceiling threatened to cave in at any minute. Tess and Joel walked slightly in front of you, their hands hovering over their holsters, just in case.

Joel was a fractured shell of the man you thought you knew a year ago. A smile, let alone a laugh, was rare. The two of you were detached - two pieces of a puzzle that had been unwillingly ripped apart. Affection manifested into annoyance, love turned to loneliness. Yet, he was the only person in the world you cared for. Time after time, you’d been reckless, dancing with death just to ensure his safety. Tess would scold you, and Joel would glower. _Don’t be stupid. Why the hell would you do that?_

But, sometimes, he would wait. Wait until Tess turned her back, before kissing you hastily. As if to say thank you, to show he still cared. You lived for the moments when Tess turned away. When, even just for a split second, it was only you and him again.

A yellow mist loomed at the end of the tunnel, swirling in the air. “Shit… Spores.” Joel groaned as you pulled your gas mask from your bag. What remained of the corpse was only a little further down, decaying on the tracks as the fungus spread over the walls and floor, under the last working light. Tess clicked on her flashlight, then Joel, followed by you. Eyes widening with fear, the grip around your light tightened. Ahead of you was a maze of Infected. Clickers and Runners twitched and gurgled; some crouched, some stood. Glancing over at Joel, his face was masked but you knew he’d be thinking the same. To attempt this would be practically suicide, but there was no other way.

Tess exhaled and twizzled the knife in her hand. “Slow and silent.” She whispered, her voice distorted slightly by her mask. You crept behind Joel, slipping past them as quietly as possible. The end was in sight, and as you watched Joel’s body start to relax, the growl of a generator bellowed down the tunnel towards you – and the lights flashed on. Snapping their heads in your direction, the Infected screeched before sprinting after you. “Fuck!” You yelped as Joel grabbed your arm and hauled you up, the two of you darting after Tess. Heart pounding, your lungs felt like they were going to burst. Tess jumped up onto the platform as you reached what was left of the old station. “In here!” She urged, flinging open a door. Clambering in, you helped Joel push crates and electrical equipment over the entrance. The Infected banged and wailed at the door, creating dents but not doing significant damage. Sighing with relief, you took off your mask and turned to see the backs of Joel and Tess, their hands up.

A girl was sat, cradling a body, in the middle of the security room. She was still holding the gun that presumably killed the Runner lying a few feet away, pointing it towards Joel but shaking so much the aim was off. “You!” She stammered, sobbing loudly and aggravating the Infected on the other side of the door. “You turned the power on! You killed my mom!” The girl’s tears splashed onto her mother’s face, whose neck was nothing but a mangled mess of blood and bone. “Kid, I swear, we didn’t. Now, you’ve got to run-” Before Joel could finish speaking, the child screamed in frustration. “You did, you _DID_!”

Before the second bullet had left the gun in the girl’s trembling hand, Tess fired a shot into the side of her skull. Joel cursed, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. “That was close, you alright?” Tess asked, and he waved her off. “C’mon, we need to get moving…” his voice trailed off as he looked back at you. Blood gushed onto your fingers, oozing out of the bullet holes beneath your shirt. Raising your head to look at Joel, a wave of dizziness washed over you, causing your knees to buckle underneath you. Kneeling down and hoisting your head onto his lap; Joel pushed his hand down hard, keeping pressure on the wounds. “Jesus Christ, Y/N?” He asked, brushing the hair out of your face. The world around you blurred in and out of focus as Tess crouched down, lifting your shirt to see that the bullets had struck your torso. Breathing uncontrollably, you gripped Joel’s wrist tightly, small whimpers of agony escaping your lips. The door behind you creaked open a little, the barricade beginning to break. “We have to go, Joel,” Tess said firmly, glancing over her shoulder. Joel stared down at you blankly, still in shock. “We have to leave now.”

After a moment, Joel nodded and abruptly pulled you up off your feet, causing you to cry out in pain. Slinging your arm over his shoulder, he kept one hand on your chest, pushing down to try and stop the bleeding. Sighing, Tess opened the door and closed it behind her as Joel led you down another corridor towards an exit. Feeling your strength slowly diminish, you tried to focus on Joel. His eyes were clouded with emotion, rationality obstructed by sentiment. Joel’s hands were stained with your blood, and your tears dripped onto his shirt. He grunted in anger, heaving you closer to him as he tried to navigate the staircase up. “Shit!” Tess exclaimed, seeing that the exit had collapsed. The sound of gunfire and screams boomed around the underground, and she looked fearfully behind you. “We’re not alone, we have to get out of here.”

A small part of the opening remained untouched by rubble, offering an escape. Seeing it at the same time, the pair looked at each other. “There’s no way we can get her up there.” Joel said, looking for another route. As you leaned your head on his shoulder to steady yourself, Tess stared at you - almost pitifully - before returning her gaze to him. “Joel. _We_ have got to move.” Tugging him away from you, the absence of support caused you to fall to the floor.

Joel shook her off him furiously. “I can’t… I won’t leave her.” Rolling onto your back, you looked up at him – a blur of green, blue and tan. Tess stepped towards him, her breath hot on his cheek as she spoke. “This is our chance, Joel. Our fucking chance to get into the city.” She seethed, before inhaling sharply as the cries of another group drew nearer. Speaking softly this time, Tess put a hand on his shoulder. “There’s nothing you can do to save her. Come with me or join her.”

The last you saw of Tess were her blood-stained boots, clicking against the metal floor and leaving a trail of dirt behind them. “Joel.” You breathed, feebly trying to stand before smacking against the floor. A moment passed. Then another. Clenching his fists, and shutting his eyes, he turned away. “Joel, _please_.” Reaching out your hand to try and touch him, Joel put one foot in front of the other and faded from view.

 

The door burst open, and the unknown piled into the open. “Over there!” One yelled, pointing at the top of the stairs. As they reached the top, everybody saw you lying in a small pool of your own blood, hand still outstretched. In turn, they all looked to look at their leader, but more specifically the man next to her. Tommy Miller felt his heart drop as he collapsed next to you, his fingers hesitantly checking your pulse. Marlene bit her lip anxiously and the Fireflies stood in silence. “She’s still... Oh my god, she’s still breathing.” He exhaled, beckoning for the others to help him. Cries of “Keep the pressure on that wound!” and “Give her some water!” erupted and Tommy squeezed your hand supportively, despite the fact you were unresponsive. A man dropped down from above, reporting back to Marlene. “No Infected, just...” He looked at Tommy worriedly before continuing. “His brother and a woman heading towards the street entrance.”

Jumping to his feet, Tommy had already started climbing the wreckage. “That _bastard_!” He roared, pulling himself to the upper level as Marlene tried to stop him. “Tommy, don’t!” The younger brother had already escaped her grasp and was running after the two silhouettes. “You left her for fucking dead!” He yelled, pulling his gun out of his holster and firing hopelessly after them. His brother may not have been able to see him, but he certainly heard him. However, their shadows continued to fade into the distance. “You coward! You murderer!” Anger shook both his voice and body.

 _“I don't ever want to see your goddamned face again_ , you hear me?"


	6. angapesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is your blood  
> in my veins  
> tell me how i was  
> supposed to forget  
> \- anon (edited)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tracks: Do What You Must by Bobby Tahouri  
> A Quiet Life by Marco Beltrami - From the line "Joel Miller."  
> All Gone (Reunion) by Gustavo Santaolalla - From the line "Helping one of the locals..." I really suggest you put this on repeat when reading it, as I wrote the entire ending purely to this. 
> 
> Anagapesis, meaning the feeling of no longer having affection for someone you once loved. 
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** NOW: 7 YEARS LATER **

The horse galloped through the forest as the rain drizzled miserably, steadily soaking the dense woodland.  Gripping the leather rein with one of your hands, the other aimed an _El Diablo_ and fired a bullet into the neck of a bandit. The alarm was ear-splitting, blaring out in all directions to alert everyone the plant was under attack; even reaching you and the group on a hunt a few miles out. The gates emerged into view, and you lightly tapped the stallion’s side and his pace increased. “Tommy?” you yelled worriedly as you entered the courtyard, seeing a few bodies lying on the gravel – both friends and foes.

Jumping off and hurriedly tying the rein to a post, you followed the sound of gunfire. An attack had been expected for weeks since the power had started beginning to work and the plant was prepared, but adrenaline and anxiety still pumped through your veins as you crept up the side of the concrete building. Turning the corner, the butt of a gun slammed into your chest causing you to collapse, followed by a kick in the face which slammed you down into the mud. A hooded bandit began to aim at your head, but you kicked your leg up into his crotch and rolled on top of him as he hit the ground. Grabbing the rifle from his hand, you pressed it into his skull and squeezed the trigger – without hesitation. The burst of blood splattered onto your shirt and you groaned in annoyance. “Y/N? Holy shit! You good?” North yelled as he ran over to you, his horse and hunting gear beside yours. “Fine, fine.” You waved him off dismissively. “Where’s Maria and Tommy?”

Blood stained your knuckles as you crashed your fist into yet another invader’s face, toppling him to the ground. “Well, that’s that.” You panted breathlessly, looking over to North who was already checking his attacker’s pockets for anything of use. Stepping into the courtyard, you exhaled in relief. The sounds of the forest and flowing water now filled the air again, the body count wasn’t too high and no permanent damage to the power station had been done. The familiar silhouettes of Tommy and Maria stood in the entrance of the door on the other side and you felt your body relax. Walking over, however, an unfamiliar voice reached your ears. “…from every direction, and then Maria was, like, “We gotta run!” so we dove over these tables and this huge guy blasts in with a shotgun!” The voice rambled, high pitched and panicked. Guessing it was a little girl, you assumed another family had travelled to join the group. What stopped you in your tracks, was the voice of the person who responded. A voice you thought you’d never hear again; a voice you hated yet longed for. “Slow down, slow down…” The girl kept talking and you pressed yourself up against the wall to listen, heart racing. “Listen! Hey, are you hurt?”

Joel Miller.

There was no questioning it. It was him.

After seven years, he was meters away.

So close you could do anything you wanted to him.

Kill him, kiss him.

Memories you had learned to repress over the years came flooding back, flicking through your mind like a picture book. Watching his boots fade from view as you bled out on a concrete floor, waking up in the Firefly base on a hospital bed, Tommy holding you as you cried when he told you the truth, losing yourself in “the cause” to forget him, meeting Maria and starting over again here in Jackson.  

You snapped your eyes shut to steady yourself as you felt the world around you begin to spin out of control. Breathing deeply, you felt anger and anguish rise inside you. “Goddamnit.” Tommy sighed, and your brows furrowed in frustration. How was he not out searching for you right now, to warn you? Why did he let him in here, this community the three of you had built from the ground up? “I need to talk to you.” He continued, still unaware of your presence. Hearing their footsteps get closer to the exit, closer to you, impulsively you drew your gun from its holster. Tommy and Maria stepped outside and walked in the opposite direction from you, followed by the girl and then _him_. You let them walk a few steps ahead of you, before you pushed your gun into the back of Joel’s head without thinking, causing a nearby worker to cry out in panic. The three others swivelled round to look, and dread spread across Tommy’s face when he saw you.

“Woah, what the fuck?” the teenager exclaimed, going to grab the knife from her pocket but Maria stopped her, looking at you anxiously. “Y/N…” Tommy began slowly, and you watched Joel’s body tense. “I can explain. Put it down.” He raised his arms to try and take it from you, but you continued to stare at the back of Joel’s head, unfazed.

“Give me one good reason.” You said coldly, and Tommy shook his head in frustration. Everyone in the courtyard was watching you, and Maria barked at them to get back to their business. Tommy stammered and stuttered before Joel broke his silence. “Don’t worry, she won’t.” He said quietly, but confidently. The anger in you flared up. You impulsively clicked the safety off, causing both the brothers’ eyes to widen with shock.

“Give me a reason.” You repeated, and your best friend swallowed nervously. “It’s the kid.” Tommy looked over his shoulder at Maria, who’s brows furrowed in confusion. “She’s immune.” You let out a hollow laugh, clenching your free hand into a fist tightly. “Nice try.” Grabbing her arm forcefully, Tommy yanked the teenager’s sleeve up and you let your eyes fall from the back of Joel’s head momentarily to look. She had been bitten, but it looked faded and pale, unlike any other infections you’d seen. “I don’t believe it.” You concluded, returning your attention to Joel. Stepping closer to you, Tommy raised his hand hesitantly to put his on your shoulder. “I’m not asking you to believe them. I’m asking you to believe me.”

Eternity seemed to pass before you lowered the gun.

Joel exhaled, and the girl looked up at him, a relieved smile on her face. “Thank you.” Tommy whispered, and you glowered at him. “I’ve got shit to do.” You muttered, turning in the spot and walking as far away from _him_ as you could possibly get, knowing you had nothing do on the east side of the camp. Joel turned and watched you walk away, guilt and nausea hanging over him like a dark cloud. “Ellie, why don’t we go and…” Maria’s voice trailed off at the end as she gestured to nothing. The youth nodded and awkwardly followed her, leaving the two brothers alone.  

“She hates me.” Joel stated, still gazing after you. Tommy watched him intensely, studying his face and manner to try and guess what he was thinking. “For now.” He agreed, turning to look at you in the distance. “But can you blame her?”

 

Helping one of the locals push a raided box back on to its shelf, you gave her a small smile. “I’ve got the rest of these, go and rest.” Pamela had been absentmindedly rubbing her pregnant stomach whilst tidying, and often groaning when having to strain up or down for things. “Are you sure? I’m fine, I can help!” She stammered, but you raised your hand to stop her. “Seriously, I’ve got it covered. Get home to your family.” Nodding in appreciation, she walked out and left you alone in the room with your thoughts. As you finished pushing a crate to the corner of the room and filled it with the timber for the winter that had been scattered across the room, footsteps filled the silence.

“Need a hand?”

You stopped and stared at the wall in front of you. “Get out.” You said, sounding surprisingly calm. His shoe met the floor, a little nearer to you. “Y/N, please.” Joel’s voice was soft, desperate even. His scent drifted towards you; still liquor, sweat, and spice – but instead of offering the sense of safety, uncertainty shrouded you. “Please look at me.” He asked, and you felt a tear escape onto your cheek. It was too late to try and hide weakness, to conceal vulnerability. You turned.

Joel looked like a distorted memory. Older, stronger, different yet the same. The lines on his face were more prominent, a documentation of his trauma. Stubble had grown into a thick beard, hiding a scar on his face that only you would know was there. A few strands of grey stood out against his dark brown hair, which had grown over time. Muscles hidden by his tartan shirt and jeans had become more defined, the same backpack was slung over his shoulder.

He looked at you in the same way, as if trying to guess what had occurred over the past seven years by your appearance. Joel’s hazel eyes met yours, and the two of you looked at each other. Time seemed to stop, both of you trapped in that moment until you spoke. “I have nothing to say to you.” He didn’t look away, instead, he took a step closer. “I have everything to say to you.”

Walking over to the desk, you started piling up cases of ammunition, trying to ignore his presence. “I don’t where to start, Y/N… I really don’t.” He began, following you slowly. You felt rage rise inside you. “I know “I’m sorry” doesn’t even begin to cover it, but-”

Slamming a case down on the table, the sound caused him and the people outside to jump, you swivelled round suddenly. “You’re right! Saying you're sorry does fuck all, Joel.” For the first time, he looked afraid of you. “You left me for _dead_.” You growled, seething with anger. “After everything we went through, after everything I did for you.” Joel stepped away as you walked towards him. “But it was ok, wasn’t it? Because you had _Tess_! Your new business partner.” You sang sarcastically, watching him wince at the mention of her name. “Somebody else for you to _fuck_. You didn’t need me anymore, not with her at your beck and call now. Because, let’s be real, that’s all I ever was to you. Someone to stick your dick inside when you were scared, or when the past started catching up with you.” Joel shook his head violently and opened his mouth to protest, but you continued.

“You knew what you were to me. You did that to me when you knew that I-” A sob escaped your lips, and you clamped a hand over your mouth. Tears streamed down your face, and Joel reached out to touch you, but you staggered backward, your arm dropping back down to your side.

“You knew that I loved you.” You whispered.

“You knew.” You repeated quietly, leaning against the wooden desk for support, trying to control your breathing. Silence enveloped the room, binding the two of you. Birds trilled, workers chatted in the distance, the outside was free. You sniffed and wiped your face with your sleeve. “I’ve got to, uh… got to speak to Tommy.” You stated, before promptly walking out of the room.

Joel exhaled.

Then, for the first time in twenty years, he started to cry.


	7. schwellenangst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let us just sit and look at each other   
> until we fall in love madly once again  
> or completely fall apart.   
> because i can't take this   
> silence anymore.  
> \- aaron hamilton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tracks: Now This Old World Is Ending by Dan Romer.
> 
> Schwellenangst, meaning the fear of embarking on something new; fear of crossing a threshold.
> 
> I am so sorry for such a big wait for this chapter! Life just got in the way, I'm in my final year so my life is very hectic at the moment. In all honesty, I'm not particularly happy with this chapter. I've found it more difficult to write the scenes from the game than create my own original content, but this moment in the plot is so important I could not possibly skip it. My apologies that it is very dialogue heavy! I promise I will try and make the next chapter a little more original and interesting... and post it sooner rather than later! 
> 
> Feedback and kudos is always appreciated. ♡

** AUTUMN **

“Absolutely not! You go tell him to find somebody else!” Maria cried, throwing her hands up in the air in disbelief. Leaning against the brick wall, you watched them argue. “Do you have any idea how many men we lost here today?” She continued, jabbing her finger into Tommy’s chest. You agreed with her. There was no need for him to risk his life for his deadbeat brother and a kid he didn’t even know.

Joel was sat on a nearby crate, surreptitiously glancing at you every now and again. You crossed your arms, drumming your fingertips on your elbow. Ever since they had arrived, you’d felt restless – unable to relax. The sooner Joel left, the better. The girl approached him, but they were too far away for you to hear their conversation. The way he talked to her, you couldn’t tell if he cared or not. Was he acting out of sincerity or self-interest? Almost as soon as she approached him, the teenager stormed away from him, walking past you with her fists clenched.

“Ellie, right?” You asked, following her. She stopped and turned to face you. She looked about fourteen, and her green eyes narrowed nervously. Clutching her backstrap with one of her hands, as if for moral support, she nodded. “I’m pretty sure aiming a gun at his head wasn’t the best way to introduce myself.” You joked, gesturing over your shoulder in Joel’s direction and she snorted in amusement. “Let me try again, I’m Y/N.” Offering her your hand, she shook it hesitantly, before her gaze fell from you and back to the couple arguing. “Hey, that’s not on you.” You said softly, watching her small smile crumble. “I just need to… I need somewhere to think.” Ellie murmured, and she edged towards one of the horses. You knew you shouldn’t let her go, but you also knew how she felt: out of control, like her life was being decided for her.

Handing her the rein, you looked at her sternly. “There’s a farmhouse not far from here. Head out the front gates, follow the road round then take a right after the tunnel. Stick to the cliff tops and stay quiet – there are more foes than friends out there, you hear me?” Nodding appreciatively, she clambered onto the horse. “I reckon you’ve got ten minutes tops before he finds you. Stay safe.” Ellie thanked you, grinning with gratitude, and galloped into the distance.

You were right, it wasn’t long before the brothers sprinted into view, frantically untying the other animals. “The girl’s gone.” Tommy informed you, and you hummed dismissively. “I know. She’s at the farmhouse.” They both froze. “How the hell do you know that?” The younger asked, watching you jump up onto the back of your horse. “Because that’s where I told her to go.” Joel’s jaw clenched, and he spoke through gritted teeth. “You _what_?” Looking at them both angrily, you started to ride towards the exit. “The two of you seemed to have forgotten that she’s a kid with feelings. Not a toy to throw away when you get bored with it.”

The three of you travelled in silence, only running into one set of hunters. As you swung the blade of your knife into the man’s neck, you heard gunshots below you. Another bandit was firing at Joel and hitting the fallen tree trunk he was using as cover. Crouching slightly, you approached him slowly before slamming your knife into the back of his skull, causing him to topple down the hill and land by Joel’s feet. “Thanks” he said breathlessly, retrieving your weapon and passing it to you.

Joel’s fingertips stroked your palm as he pressed the metal into your skin. The contact must have lasted under a second, but to you, it felt like an eternity. You were his masterpiece of pain, a canvas that over time he had brushed with the paint of anguish. But something felt different, as if he had changed the brush, like he was trying to erase what he had done.

You stared at your hand for a moment, long enough for him to notice and read the expression of confusion on your face, before abruptly swivelling the knife back into its compartment on your belt. “Don’t worry about it.” You said sharply, turning to walk back to the horses.

Joel was already opening the door to the farmhouse before you had even entered the ranch. “Ellie?” he barked, starting to search the house frantically. “I’m up here!” a voice replied, and you jumped off the horse and followed Joel upstairs. Before he had even stepped into the bedroom, he was already telling her to get up to go. You entered to see the teen sat by the window, a diary in her hands. The sunlight gave her auburn hair a sort of glow, a look of innocence about her and suddenly, you felt an inexplicable urge to protect her. To protect her from horrors of the world you now lived in; protect her from the Infected, outsiders, the military, Fireflies… and even protect her from Joel. She was young, a flower blooming with life and hope, only just starting to wilt with sorrow. She could be saved, she could be free of the misery you had felt your entire life.

Ellie’s frustrated voice brought you back to reality. “Stop with the bullshit! What are you so afraid of? That I’m going to end up like Sam? I can’t get infected! I can take care of myself.” Joel shook his head firmly and took a step towards her, “How many close calls have we had?” he argued. “Well, we seem to be doing alright so far!” She protested, and you couldn’t help but admire her spirit, but before she even finished her sentence Joel roared over the top of her: “And now, you’ll be doing even better with Tommy!”. He turned to leave the room, and you tried to read his expression, but it changed as soon as Ellie spoke again. 

“I’m not her, y’know.”

Joel froze momentarily, his guard slipping, eyes widening vulnerably. “What?” You knew exactly who she was talking about.

 _Sarah_.

A fragmented memory of a dusty polaroid picture filled your mind, of a young blonde girl on Joel’s shoulders, shown to you by Tommy many years ago. She began to speak, but Joel cut her off, raising his hand as a warning. “Ellie.” He said slowly. “You are treading on some _mighty_ thin ice here.” Inhaling and pushing her shoulders back bravely, Ellie replied in a matter-of-fact voice. “I am sorry about your daughter, Joel. But I have lost people too.”

“You have _no idea_ what loss is.” Joel seethed with rage, clenching his fists. Closing your eyes, you stopped yourself from screaming out to him, emotion pumping stronger through your veins with every word he said.

“Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me – _everyone fucking except for you_!”

An uncontrollable wave of jealousy washed over you. He had left you. He had killed you, in a way.

“So, don’t tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is I would just be more scared!”

Flashbacks of waking up at the Fireflies base, alone and fearful, flashed through your mind so fast you felt nauseous.

Joel nodded slowly, the shadow of the past darkening his face, “You’re right. You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad. We are going our separate ways.” Tommy burst in, urgently whispering that you were no longer alone in the farmhouse and he aimed his gun to the top of the staircase. Joel pulled the bat off his back and followed his brother down the hallway, leaving you and Ellie alone. “Over here.” You instructed, pulling her by the hand behind the closet, where a gap provided the perfect hiding place for the two of you.

Listening to the sound of gunshots and fighting, Ellie bowed her head and sniffed, her bottom lip starting to tremble. Without realising, you impulsively wrapped your arms around her and pulled her into a hug. Her eyes widened with surprise. Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she had been hugged. Slowly, you felt her return the embrace and she leant her head against your chest, listening to your heartbeat.

The world felt crueller now you had a child in your arms. When you were her age, you were afraid of the girl you liked rejecting you, or if you would pass meaningless exams. You listened to the radio, not the sound of people being slaughtered. Resting your chin on the top of her head, you realised what you had to do. What you wanted to do. What would give you purpose.

Tommy’s yell of “All clear!” broke the two of you apart, and Ellie stepped back into the open, looking back at you in confusion when you didn’t follow.

“I’ll take you to the Fireflies.”

The words left your mouth without you realising. They filled the silence and the void in both of your hearts created by the man downstairs.

“Thank you.” She said, her voice barely a whisper.

The tension during the ride back to Jackson was suffocating. Joel and Tommy were behind you and Ellie as you lead the way through the woodland. The sun was starting to sink beneath the horizon, cascading orange and pink light across the land beneath it. The plant looked glorious from the top of the hill, and your heart swelled with pride at what you, Tommy and Maria had created. The electricity was still working, and you could hear the distant buzz of the community celebrating the achievement. “Kids’ll be watching movies tonight.” Tommy and you exchanged a smile before Joel cleared his throat.

“Where’s this lab of theirs?” He asked quietly, not making eye contact with any of you. “It’s all the way out – University of Eastern Colorado.” Tommy replied, pointing north. “Go Big Horns.” Joel joked, and the brothers shared a laugh. You savoured the sight, it felt as if you were watching them together twelve years ago – a simpler, happier time. “Ellie, give your horse back to Tommy.” You said softly, “I’m going to keep this fella for a little longer if that’s alright with you.” Tommy’s mouth opened a little in shock before he started protesting, only stopping when Joel cleared his throat suddenly.

“If you don’t mind, I’ll join you.” He said to you, almost anxiously. Raising your eyebrows, the younger brother tilted his head in confusion. “Your wife scares me.” A smirk spread across your face. “I don’t want her coming after me.” Ellie jumped off and handed the rein to Tommy, before jumping onto the horses' back behind Joel. “Come back to town, let's discuss this at least!” Tommy stammered, but Joel shook his head firmly.

“You know us.” The brothers looked back at you, and you caught Joel’s eye. “Our minds are made up.” For the first time in seven years, the two of you smiled at each other. Joel’s lips lifted upward, his usual hard demeanour disappearing momentarily. The cascades of colour in the sky reflected in his hazel eyes, his crinkles of laughter lines surrounding them like clouds. Tommy moved to face you, reaching his hand out. You took it and squeezed it gently. “I’ll be back before you know it.” You reassured him, sensing his anxiety. He bowed his head slightly. “I’ll be waiting. This is your home. There will always be a place for you.” Tommy looked over to Ellie and Joel. “For _all_ of you.”

You let go of Tommy’s hand and leant over, planting a kiss on his forehead. “We good?” you asked Joel and Ellie who watched the two of you fondly. The teen nodded, inhaling and looking out onto the horizon.

“We’re good.” Joel affirmed, and with that, the three of you began to ride into the unknown.

 


End file.
